I Wasn't Prepared

I was prepared to be a mom, to a point.  You can only prepare so much for something you haven't done before.  When my first son was born I was prepared for sleepless nights in the infant stage.  We had all the baby things you think you'll need, all the tools to make parenting a little easier when that baby comes home.  

But a year later, 13 months to be exact, our twins arrived.  They were born three months early.  I wasn't prepared to have preemies or sit in a hospital day after day for over 100 days.  I wasn't prepared to juggle a little one at home and two babies in the hospital.  I wasn't prepared to watch them fight for their lives.  

I wasn't prepared for the chaos of having three kids age one and under, two of which were small fragile infants who got sick easily.  I wasn't prepared to spend so much time at the doctor's office those first few years of their lives.  I wasn't prepared for my baby to undergo surgery when he was only 5lbs. 

I wasn't prepared for years and years of sleepless nights or for a baby who was never happy unless he was being held.  I wasn't prepared for the level of exhaustion my husband and I reached, the exhaustion we sometimes still have.  

And I wasn't prepared for an autism diagnosis.  That one blind-sided me.  

I wasn't prepared to walk a road where there were no easy answers, a road that no one could lead me down.  I wasn't prepared for the isolation and loneliness or for friends to slowly and silently walk away.  

I wasn't prepared for behaviors and aggression, for early intervention, special education and endless therapies 5 days a week.  

I wasn't prepared for hundreds of holes in the walls, daily destruction, sibling rivalry or for a child who just doesn't understand.  

I also wasn't prepared for this level of love that I feel for my children.  I knew I would love them, but at this magnitude, I had no idea.  

I wasn't prepared to go to the ends of the earth for my kid, to get him every possible intervention that would help him and to help the rest of the family.  

I wasn't prepared for their amazing personalities, each one individual to themselves or the mesmerizing talents they each have.  I wasn't prepared to be so awe-inspired by them every single day.  I wasn't prepared for kids who are daring and have no fear and crave adventure every day.  

I wasn't prepared to learn so incredibly much from them.

I wasn't prepared to see the world through their eyes and see how different and scary the world can be. 

I wasn't prepared to be the one to try and change the world for them.