Four Simple Words

Last week I got a phone call that completely warmed my heart.  It was my sister and she immediately told me about a friend of hers whose daughter was just diagnosed with autism.  Autism isn't new to my sister.  She's been an amazing Auntie to all three of my boys, including my 8 year old son with autism.  My sister knows how jarring a diagnosis can be.  The next four words she spoke weren't surprising in the fact that she was asking, but surprising for a completely different reason.  She simply asked, "how can I help?"  

I first started giving her ideas on what NOT to do to be helpful to this newly diagnosed family.  Suggestions such as; listen without judgement, don't offer advice- just be there for her, don't offer comparisons between her friends daughter and other kids, don't minimize what she tells you she's feeling or experiencing right now, and don't tell her lots of kids do the things her daughter does- as it likely isn't on the same level.  

Other suggestions came up too, such as offer to babysit or just be at the house so she can run an errand, go for a walk or simply take a nap.  Bring a meal on hard days or send her gift cards to places she can easily order take out from.  Check in often.  Play and interact with her little one, love her daughter unconditionally.  And most of all, don't give up on her.  

One thing autism families can agree on is how lonely the autism journey can be.  Many times our friends (and sometimes family) drift away because they don't understand autism and don't have patience to hang in there with us.  When an autism diagnosis is received, our world is turned upside down.  The last thing we need is people giving up on us. 

But as we talked it dawned on me how important those four simple words are, and how seldom some families hear them.  You see, some people freeze when they find out a child is diagnosed with something like autism.  They don't know what to do.  They don't know what to say.  Sometimes people are quick to do things they think are helpful, but really are counterproductive.  Instead, just ask those four simple words- "how can I help?"  It can make all the difference when someone goes out of their way to understand, learn, and find ways to be helpful and supportive.