Awkward Moments Like These

 The world of autism can be a strange place.  Especially for parents like me who are just trying to understand our kiddos, give them the best in life and navigate the ins and outs of a life lived differently.  The most typical experiences for some can often be the most unusual for families like ours.  

Last weekend we wrapped up my oldest son's hockey season.  He participated in his last tournament for the season and had a team party after his last game where parents and siblings were included.  It was held at a local restaurant that was very busy, I mean any place will be busy when you bring 14 families together.  

All of the kids gathered together between two tables- hockey players and their siblings.  The parents gathered together at the remainder of the tables that were reserved for our group.  This is a group of families that have had a great season together, have gotten to know one another well and have really spent a decent amount of time together in the last six months.  All of the kids and their siblings get along so well with one another.  Everyone includes everyone here.  And it's such a wonderful thing to see.  

My boys grabbed a seat with all the other kids.  Sunny laid under the table at Charlie's feet like she usually does.  

And that's where the similarities stopped.  

The other parents grabbed their seats, letting their kids do their own thing.

There I stood.  Awkwardly in the middle of the walkway next to the kids table where Charlie and Christian sat.  You see, it's not as easy as me grabbing my own chair at my own table.  Charlie needs help with Sunny occasionally, he needs help figuring out what he wants to order and then help ordering it.  He doesn't follow social cues well and isn't always sure how to handle certain situations.  I need to be near in the chance he starts to escalate and needs help problem solving. 

I felt so out of place in that moment.  I didn't want to take the seat next to Charlie and be the only parent at the kid table.  And I didn't want to make him come sit with me at an adult table. I do want him to be able to interact with the other kids.  I don't want to be a hinderance to that.  I want him to grow and blossom socially.  But I also knew I needed to be close.  It was just the day before when he struggled and needed someone to order his meal because he wouldn't speak, hold his hand in the parking lot to make sure he walked safely, talk him through some deep breathing when things didn't go as planned and needed silverware removed from the table because he was not using them in a safe manner. We never know when these struggles pop up.  So we need to be close, ready to help at a moment's notice.  

I eventually grabbed a seat at the bar portion of the restaurant where I had full view of Charlie and a straight shot to his table if I needed to help him.  Another awkward moment as all the other parents sat together, ordered their drinks, lunch and talked about the season wrapping up.  I felt, and probably looked, like a loner.  They weren't intentionally leaving me out and I wasn't intentionally trying to avoid them.  

I guess maybe I should get comfortable with awkward moments like these. Because no matter how we spin it, our life is different.  And that's ok.  

As for Charlie that day, he made it quite awhile hanging with the other kids before joining me.  He was getting too overwhelmed with how loud it was in there, he hated how sticky their table was and he needed constant reminders that yes, we did order our food and yes, it will be coming soon. 

The positive?  We were together as a family, we were able to join a group setting and we were in public and didn't have to leave early.  I'll trudge through those awkward moments and also call it a win.