Conversations We Never Thought We'd Have

As parents, we all have a vision in our head of what parenthood would look like before we have kids, right? When your kids are babies you imagine all the things you'll do together as they grow up, all the conversations you'll have, all the adventures ahead.  You think of the sports they might like or the friends they'll have.  Of course there will be curveballs thrown in along the way.  But one thing we didn't see coming; autism.  And one conversation I never envisioned my husband and I having was of our son's self harm.  

Charlie was diagnosed with autism at age 4.  He and his twin brother, Christian, turn 9 in 17 days.  We've lived the last 9 years in a life we never envisioned.  A good life, but sometimes hard too.  And one place we never saw ourselves, was at our kitchen table talking with Charlie's lead therapist about\ his self harm and how to keep him safe in our home.  That's where we found ourselves this morning anyway.  

Self harm is a hard one to talk about.  No one wants to witness their child hurting themselves.  And talking about it almost seems taboo.  Almost like there's a stigma behind it, such a delicate topic.  It's heartbreaking.  It takes a lot out of us as parents and it takes a lot out of Charlie too.  

Self harm isn't new to us.  Charlie has banged his head from an early age, so hard in fact, to the point of putting holes in the wall.  It was actually one of the early warning signs that alerted us that something was going on.  It got better for awhile there, but recently it's been resurfacing.  And this week it's been a kick in the gut.  But now instead of the tiny boy that we could once scoop up, we have a grown boy.  One we can't so easily scoop up and redirect.  And today's conversation revolved around how to keep him safe right now.  Ideas like padding certain items around the house, modifying his bedroom to make it safer/less destructible.  Thing we definitely need to take into consideration.  

The last year has been such a rollercoaster with such huge changes that none of this should surprise Tyler and I.  It's one way Charlie copes with stress and anger.  Yes, an unhealthy coping skill, one we'll need to spend time working on again like we did in the past.  And we'll add that to the list of other things to work on that we've lost this year.  Things like being socially appropriate; or being social in general, tolerating going out in the community, participating in activities outside of the house, riding safely in the vehicle, building tolerance to riding in the vehicle longer than 20 minutes, eating in a restaurant...the list goes on and on.  But believe me when I say we will claw our way back to where we once were.