The Ghost of Christmas Past

I was up way too early this morning and found myself scrolling social media aimlessly.  I landed on the post of someone gushing about the magic they feel around this time of year.  How amazing their holidays are and how much they look forward to Christmas each year.  The picture on their post was from 5 years ago, the author said, and told about how the magic of Christmas is the same today for them as it was 5 years ago.  And then the author asked "what was your life like 5 years ago?"

I stopped and thought for a moment, pulled back in time.  5 years ago our oldest son was 4 and our twins were 3.  It was a punch in the gut when I realized my first thought was how hard things were back then.  Instead of thinking about the magic and happiness of the Christmas season I was immediately thrown back in time when sleep was evasive, meltdowns were constant, we were afraid to leave our house and even worse, we didn't know how to help our son.

We were in the trenches of autism.  We didn't know it because at that time our son had yet to be diagnosed.  We knew nothing about autism.  We were in survival mode back then, doing anything we could to just survive each day.  Some days we had to take things hour by hour.  That may sound drastic, but it was our reality.  

During my time down memory lane I remembered how our son almost always had a scrape on his forehead from banging his head so often, getting into the car to go anywhere was like torture to all of us- car rides were very hard- and we heavily weighed the pros and cons of any family outing, and this kid was practically attached to me 24-7.  Back then we were learning about sensory issues, sensory diets, weighted blankets, noise cancelling headphones and we were entrenched in OT which was a safe place of learning, exploring and guidance from one of the best Occupational Therapists we could have ever known.  That was also the year our son started special education preschool where we met one of our family's biggest advocates and most loving teacher ever.  

It was during these times that a coffee mug became an extension of my arm- always filled with life preserving caffeine.  Disregulation lasted for hours, sometimes days.  Visits to our family during Christmas was hard.  We couldn't stay long and if we tried to stay longer than our window allowed, it would mean more chaos, meltdowns and a disruption in whatever sleep we were getting. And Christmas presents revolved around the few interests he had at that time- trains and boxes.  Pictures also showed me that amidst the hard, we did have lots of smiles.  

This trip down memory lane also showed me how far we've come in the last 5 years.  With an autism diagnosis at the age of 4 came resources we never would have otherwise had.  We've learned coping skills and he's learned social skills.  We've been introduced to people who have made profound differences in our life.  We progressed to being able to go places outside our home and have even traveled a little bit over the years.  We sleep a little more than we did back then, but coffee still rules my mornings.  

This year we won't let the Ghost of Christmas Past rule our memories- but instead let it
help us realize where we've come from.  Maybe this year we can focus on the magic of Christmas Present a little more.  And maybe, just maybe catch a glimpse of Christmas Yet to Come, which I imagine could be a beautiful place.