Siblings

I don't think people talk enough about the siblings. The siblings who are there day in and day out. Those who sometimes get the brunt of things or maybe less of mom and dad's undivided attention. These are the kids who sit back and watch their sibling struggle. Or maybe they're the kids who are hands on and help as much as they can. Either way, they deserve the spotlight too.

Today our living room turned into a giant craft station because crafts are Christian's love language and this was his time. His time to talk about the hard of having a brother with autism. This was his time to talk about the unfair, the misunderstood, the frustrating and the sad. Because he deserves to be able to vent and process things with someone he trusts.

I Wasn't Prepared

I was prepared to be a mom, to a point.  You can only prepare so much for something you haven't done before.  When my first son was born I was prepared for sleepless nights in the infant stage.  We had all the baby things you think you'll need, all the tools to make parenting a little easier when that baby comes home.  

But a year later, 13 months to be exact, our twins arrived.  They were born three months early.  I wasn't prepared to have preemies or sit in a hospital day after day for over 100 days.  I wasn't prepared to juggle a little one at home and two babies in the hospital.  I wasn't prepared to watch them fight for their lives.  

I wasn't prepared for the chaos of having three kids age one and under, two of which were small fragile infants who got sick easily.  I wasn't prepared to spend so much time at the doctor's office those first few years of their lives.  I wasn't prepared for my baby to undergo surgery when he was only 5lbs. 

I wasn't prepared for years and years of sleepless nights or for a baby who was never happy unless he was being held.  I wasn't prepared for the level of exhaustion my husband and I reached, the exhaustion we sometimes still have.  

And I wasn't prepared for an autism diagnosis.  That one blind-sided me.  

I wasn't prepared to walk a road where there were no easy answers, a road that no one could lead me down.  I wasn't prepared for the isolation and loneliness or for friends to slowly and silently walk away.  

I wasn't prepared for behaviors and aggression, for early intervention, special education and endless therapies 5 days a week.  

I wasn't prepared for hundreds of holes in the walls, daily destruction, sibling rivalry or for a child who just doesn't understand.  

I also wasn't prepared for this level of love that I feel for my children.  I knew I would love them, but at this magnitude, I had no idea.  

I wasn't prepared to go to the ends of the earth for my kid, to get him every possible intervention that would help him and to help the rest of the family.  

I wasn't prepared for their amazing personalities, each one individual to themselves or the mesmerizing talents they each have.  I wasn't prepared to be so awe-inspired by them every single day.  I wasn't prepared for kids who are daring and have no fear and crave adventure every day.  

I wasn't prepared to learn so incredibly much from them.

I wasn't prepared to see the world through their eyes and see how different and scary the world can be. 

I wasn't prepared to be the one to try and change the world for them.