Self Care

We've all heard the term self care and how important it is for each and every one of us.  There's thousands of books written on the topic of self care, but for some reason it's hard for some people to do.  As a parent of a special needs child it's so easy to put myself second, third, or most of the time, last.  Have you heard the phrase 'you can't pour from an empty cup'?  It's true.  If you have nothing left to give, how can you help those you care for?  

But, it's easier said than done, right?  For special needs parents there's a lot that goes into self care.  It's more than just finding what fills your cup.  Many times self care involves a lot of prep before you even get to do the self care part.  Finding appropriate child care, getting meals prepped, medications sorted, lack of sleep, or sometimes even prepping your child that you'll be gone.  These are just  a few reasons why self care for the special need parent goes to the way-side.  Sometimes it's more work prepping and doing the self care than it is to stick to your routine and go on with your day.  

But I beg you....do the self care!

You need it. 

You deserve it.

Self care doesn't need to be taking a bubble bath or reading a book.  But it also can be if that's what you like!  Self care is going to look different for everyone.  If you don't like taking baths, that's probably not going to be at the top of your list of things to do to relax and unwind.  Find what fills your cup and then do it as often as you can. 

Maybe your self care is taking an uninterrupted shower or actually doing your hair.  Maybe self care is getting to sleep more than a few hours at a time or being able to drink a cup of coffee without it going cold.  Self care can be something as simple as painting your nails, reading a book, meditating or doing a puzzle.  Maybe it's enjoying a glass of wine or a cup of tea after the kids go to bed.  Self care can also be going out with a friend or family member for a couple hours, getting out of the house by yourself, buying yourself a cup of coffee you didn't make, going to get your hair cut, or for some people it can be going to the grocery store without a kid in tow.  My point is, self care looks different for everyone.  Don't worry if your self care doesn't look like everyone else's.  It's meant to fill YOUR cup, not your neighbors.   

What did I do for self care this week?  Last night I laid in bed while my husband folded a basket of laundry.  You might chuckle, but that is something really hard for me to do!  I'm usually the one finishing laundry in the late hours of the evening, not laying in bed letting someone else take care of it!  But it doesn't stop there.  This morning I coordinated child care so I could go get a massage and then after the massage I grabbed a cup of coffee BY MYSELF!

Self care doesn't need to be anything big or extravagant.  Or it can be if you want it to be.  Just know that sometimes the little things help fill your cup the most.  I know I'm not good at consistent self care yet I'm going to keep trying.  Why?  Because I deserve it.  And you do too.

I'm Fine. We're Fine. Everything is Fine.

It's -10 degrees where I live in Minnesota as I write this.  The windchill is worse at -27.  It's been like this for much of this past week. 
It's too cold to be outside for more than a couple of minutes.  The boys have endless amounts of energy with nowhere for it to go.  This is the time of year that gets hard for us.  Cabin fever sets in.  Throw in the fact that Charlie hasn't had any services since before Christmas....well, you can about imagine how things are going right now.  

Between holiday schedules, staffing shortages and Covid exposures Charlie has been without his therapies for several weeks now.  And we are seeing the down-hill slide.  Of course Tyler and I use every tool in our tool box to help him and get him through the tough moments, but his therapies are part of his routine.  And Charlie is very much about routine.  He is also aware that a new person is supposed to start working with him in January, so he asks us every day when that person will be coming.  

Charlie's thinking is very black and white so when someone tells him a new therapist is coming in January, he expects them in January.  He is very concrete in his thinking.  His mind doesn't think about all of the other possibilities that could derail their planning.  And his mind definitely doesn't comprehend the fact that someone could start "around January" as in - could be January, could be February.  

But between all the anxiousness, negotiating, de-escalating, sensory activities, and therapy tools there are moments of beauty too.  He's the child who is stuck to my side constantly, wanting snuggles and movie sessions.  He's the kid who has non-stop chatter about this and that, who wants to show off his lego creations and tell me every detail about how he built it.  He's the child who can artfully avoid any activity he doesn't want to do. He's a master negotiator who keeps all of us on our toes.  

All of our boys bring the brightest joy to our family, to our home.  Focusing on their smiles and laughter and unique personalities doesn't make the hard go away, but it's what can help bring us through.

Guards Down

We need to remember not to forget. But we did momentarily. We let our guard down. We forgot how hard it is for Charlie to be away from mom. I didn’t realize how long it had been since mom had a night out. 

I ended up going to see my childhood friend yesterday afternoon and then spent the night catching up. I was gone for exactly 20 hours. Less than a day. I haven’t done anything like that in several years. I gave all the boys a heads up earlier in the week that mom was going to be gone for the night. But I forgot to properly prep Charlie. 

Charlie needs ample time to process a change in routine like this. He needs to be told more than once about the change. He needs to know all the details; what time mom will leave, what he will do while mom is gone, what time mom will return, etc. He needs reassurance mom will return, he needs it marked on the calendar, he needs a reminder to utilize Sunny if he’s upset and sometimes he needs something of mom’s to hang on to while I’m gone. 

I’m his person and when his person is gone it throws his entire universe upside down. 

But I forgot. I forgot how much prep he needs. We’ve been out of practice for some time now and I let my guard down. 

To say the night was difficult at home would be an understatement. Dad does everything he can to smooth things over, but in Charlie’s eyes, he’s not mom.  

The night entailed several FaceTime calls with reassurance, virtual hugs and kisses and lots of love. It’s just not the same as in person. I reminded Charlie over and over I’d be home right away in the morning. 

I held true to my word. Everything is right in the world again.